We're Home...

I sit here at my computer and try to come up with words to express what this trip has meant to me. I will make an attempt to...

I will just start by saying that I have never felt my heart literally hurt...but now I have. As I sit here, my heart continues to ache. I am relieved to be in the safety and security of my home, but my heart longs to have my boys in my arms. I long to fill their bottle and cup with fresh water and allow them to drink until their heart is content. I long to place them in a warm bath and let them feel that freshness. I long to whisper in their ears over and over and over again that I love them and that I will always love them, and always be here for them. The depth of emotion that I have is one that I am not even sure what to do with. It is emotion that is raw, it is real, and it has changed me forever!

We flew in on a flight that was delayed. I loved the way that Ken our team leader knew what he was doing and commanded us just like he would command his fellow soldiers. He was confident and in charge. He knew my fears and tried to assure me that I was going to be ok. My stomach turned, my heart pounded, and my hands shook. It was a completely intense experience. "Mr. Big" was in charge...he paved the the way through the crowd. He was just yelling at everyone and they parted the way as if we were a crazy parade of Americans. We had so many carts of luggage. Courtney ended up pushing one of the carts. I was not about to leave her side alone pushing that cart, so there the two of us clung to the handle and kept whispering to each other to just keep going. We kept calling on the name of the Lord for each other. My husband was at the front of the line pushing another cart, and hers was at the back...there we were two American mommies with our hearts pounding! We loaded into the absolute back of the truck, almost trying to hide ourselves behind all of the men. All of the men with us were confident and protective. THANK YOU, MEN! The emotions weren't completely of fear for our safety because we didn't even realize everything that was going on with Pierre...the emotions were a complete jumble of fear, excitement, anticipation, nervousness, elation, disbelief that we were finally there and about to meet our babies. Courtney and I sat as close as we could to each other...we knew we were feeling the exact same thing as each other even though nothing was being said. We were totally in this together! ---Pierre is the Orphanage's pastor and manager the day before we got there, he was pulled over by the police. He was charged with expired registrations for the guns that our security guards were carrying. He had hired a security company to provide extra security while our teams were there. The police decided to go after Pierre for this offense. He was forced to stand in a closet cell the entire time we were there. All of our guards weapons were seized as was the vehicle that Pierre was driving. He is still being held in jail, and they are working so hard on getting him freed. Please be ever so grateful that we live in a country that has a democracy where things like this can get resolved. Please pray for Pierre.--- back to our experience...

The truck arrived at the hotel and all of sudden a hotel door opens and there was Linda calling for "Mommy Annika and Mommy Vasti"...I grabbed my camera and started taping. It was a beautiful moment! As I was capturing those first moments of Courtney with her girls...I see Linda out of the corner of my eye. There she was emerging from the hotel room with our boys in her arms. I hear her call out, "Mommy Esaie and Mommy Juvenson". I shoved my camera into the person closest to me. I told Brian "here are my boys...tape it!" Oh, how scared our precious the boys were. They had no clue what was going on. Here they were in our arms, away from the orphanage, and we were kissing them and loving on them. They were so beautiful! I called my husband who was up in the truck trying to unload the suitcases...he didn't know they were giving us our boys right then. He took Juvenson from my arms and Juvenson melted into him. He layed his head against Matt's cheek. We were so in love!!!!!! There we all sat with our children trying to catch these first moments on camera...it was a surreal moment! A moment that I will never forget!

We got to the conference room and opened our suitcase filled with toys for the boys. Their fear began to dissipate as they reached for the toys I was handing them. Matt began to tickle Juvenson and we finally saw his smile that had made us fall in love with him off of the website. Oh, what a moment it was! Matt played "High Five" with Juvenson which melted my heart even more. Here I saw my husband falling in love with his sons!

Our time with our boys was such an amazing experience! To see their orphanage, to feel the heat of their land, to see the intense labor that is done by the Haitians at the orphanage. I was completely impacted. I had to take a moment to go stand by the wall of laundry and weep. I wanted to get control of myself, but it was a deep emotion that I was feeling. The presence of the Lord was always about us! The orphanage is filled with a pure love for our Lord and Savior. The children will randomly break into singing worship songs in English. Every time I heard them I was moved deeply. It can start with one child singing a song quietly and pretty soon the entire place was filled with the sweetest of praise to our Lord Jesus Christ. I was so impressed with their teachers. Oh how those men love the Lord and love the children. I was touched by the nannies. Cate our Adoption Coordinator introduced me to Esaie's nanny...she laughed and kissed me. She hugged me, and I began to cry. Oh, how she loves my boy! Oh...great here come the tears again as I recall this moment so vividly in my mind! :)

At night I could feel a heavy oppression that I have never felt in America. When we were in the Miami airport we called home to talk to our four daughters before we left the country. We told them about the flight, etc. We were getting ready to say good bye, when our oldest daughter (10 years old) got back on the phone and said, "Mom, just remember...The Name of the Lord is a Strong Tower the righteous run to it and are Safe!" I said thank you as my eyes filled with tears. That one line was directly from the Holy Spirit from the lips of our daughter to me. That verse carried me the entire trip! At night if I became overwhelmed, I would repeat that verse over and over again. I knew my God was with me!

I loved every moment with our boys...I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to put them down. The last night I didn't sleep. I cuddled into a ball around my boys. I held their hands in mine, stroked their cheeks and kept kissing them as they slept so soundly. The morning came all too quickly, it was the moment I had dreaded from the moment they were placed into my arms. I kept saying I felt like I was going to throw up...I actually did start heaving right before we left the room ( I told you it was raw emotion). We stood together at our hotel room door and Matt prayed over our boys. We sat at the front of the hotel waiting for the truck to come. We cried and held our boys! We had them wrapped in the blankets we had made for them with our pictures on them. I just kept taking pictures of them, wanting to catch every look they had. I had Matt take a picture of me and Esaie together, then I went to take Juvenson to have our picture taken the two of us. He didn't want to leave Matt's arms. He fussed and then said, "PaPa". I melted all over again. The truck pulled up and we started walking up to it. I was weeping, and clinging to Esaie. The boys had no idea what was happening. I handed Esaie over to the pastor that grew up in Haiti (sorry I can not think of your name right now) on the construction team...this team of men were the most loving, amazing men we met!! Their compassion flowed from the very depths of them as they took our boys into their arms and cradled them. It meant the world to us to have you guys take our boys back to the orphanage...thank you doesn't cover it! I turned to Juvenson in Matt's arms and clung to him...kissing him over and over again telling him I loved him. The very minute we handed our boys over to the men, Ken came over and embraced us with a strength that bonded us to him forever. He prayed with us as we all wept together there in the parking lot. He knew exactly what we were feeling. Brian and Courtney loaded up onto the truck to take their girls back, but we knew that it was best for us to place them in the trust of the construction team and say our goodbyes at that moment. We heard both the boys crying for us and I looked up to see Juvenson reaching out for us. Matt wrapped his arms around me and we stood there weeping. I fell in love with him even deeper than before. Matt is a very steady man...constant in his emotion. Seeing him weep for his sons was something that I won't ever forget. He is such an anchor in my life. The truck drove away...we walked back to our room and cried some more. We stood in our room hugging each other, saying how we never imagined it was going to be this hard. Then a deep peace came over us. It was the presence of the Lord. He was there in our sadness. He enveloped us with His peace and carried us. He was always there with us. I saw so many glimpses of His Greatness. I saw Him in the children's faces, in the nannies love, in the construction team's sweat and effort, in the other mommies and daddies love for their children...oh what an Awesome God we serve. The pain I felt leaving my children is the same pain that the Lord feels for me and for you. The depth of love, the compassion, the desperation...all of these feelings are ones that my Heavenly Father feels for me. How would I ever have known the depth of His love for me had I not stepped out of the boat and followed Him in obedience. I am changed forever, I am humbled, and grateful! I am clinging to Him with everything I have in me...He is my Strength and my Strong Tower! He will bring our boys home on the day that He has chosen...what a sweet reunion it will be! I place my trust in Him, and know that He is embracing our boys with His love right now. There is nothing that I can do, but trust Him more! That is what He is asking of me, and that is what I will do! I rest in the Sovereignty of God! His Peace is with me and I am so undeserving of what He is doing in my life...in our lives, in our family!

Our boys are the most beautiful boys in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! We love them with all of our hearts!