Mixed Emotions

This weekend was a mix of strange emotions for me. We took off for a little weekend get-away. We had a wonderful time together at the Science Museum. The girls couldn't get enough of it. They learned so many new things, it was so cool! Hudson spent most the day in his sling taking in all of the lights. He is such a content baby that sometimes it amazes me how easy he is to bring to everything. We even took in an Omnimax movie on the Alps. The girls loved it and so did we. We went with my sister, her girls and my parents. The girls were in their glory spending the day with their cousins. It is so fun seeing them together...they are the best of friends!

For supper on Saturday the girls wanted to hit IKEA. They love the food (me too) and the little tables there, so that's where we went. My family was staying at a different hotel, so we went for supper without them. Anyway, there we were just our family. So here is where the emotions became difficult. Last fall we took a family get-away. Things had been so extremely intense in the adoption situation we were in with the boys in Haiti. We needed to get away. It was during this trip away that the Lord made it clear to us that we weren't going to adopt the boys from Haiti. At one point, we had been sitting in IKEA. I remember the girls were having so much fun, and I was daydreaming about how the boys would be enjoying this too. We were all together yet it felt like there was such a big chunk missing. So Saturday night as we were sitting in the exact same spot as we had been last fall, the fact that the boys won't ever be here to experience this hit my heart again. Then I turned and there was Hudson in his stroller looking up at me and smiling. He melts my heart over and over again! I am so incredibly grateful for our son!!!! I love all my children with all of my heart!!! It was just a strange feeling to sit in the same place remembering the emotions and struggles that we were facing the last time we sat there, and feeling such overwhelming gratitude for the son we have been blessed with. The chunk that was missing last time was now with us, just not how we had thought in that moment.

When we came home I checked Courtney's blog and she had a post about how she was missing her girls. She was talking about how there are so many things that remind her of them. This is so true! Here's another weird example...I ran into the Children's Place to look for some clothes for Hudson. There was a rack of cute summer flip-flops for boys. I couldn't even look at it. Everytime my eyes went that direction I had to turn. You see, Matt and I stopped at this same store on our way to the airport before leaving for Haiti. We bought each of the boys a pair of sandals. Juvenson adored his new sandals...he didn't ever want to take them off. He wore them with such pride...I am sure they were the first pair of shoes he's had. It was one of my favorite memories of him, how proud he was in his new sandals. So you see, the rack of flip-flops brought back the memories of how precious he was in his first new pair of shoes.

After all of these places conjured up old memories, and then reading Courtney's blog...I clicked on the link she had to the listing for her girls as waiting children. My heart sank seeing them there. Then I did what I shouldn't have done., I clicked on the link for waiting boys in Haiti...there was Juvenson. He is so precious! We fell so in love with him and we will always love him. Esiae wasn't listed because he has a new family adopting him, which I am grateful for. But the thought of Juvenson stuck in that place makes me sick. He is so trapped, and there isn't anything we can do to get him out of there. He doesn't deserve what he is getting as life in that orphanage. There was one photo of him posted where he has this adorable expression on his face, it was this expression that he gave Matt a lot. It is this precious innocent look on his face. He is so innocent and he deserves a chance at life. Oh how I pray that the Lord embraces him. Seeing his photos was the last straw, I ended up in tears. After having a good cry last night while showing Matt all of the new pictures of him, I took Hudson in my arms and cuddled him. Thank you, Jesus for our son. Thank you that You have given him life. In this moment my heart was filled with such sadness for Juvenson in Haiti, and so much gratitude for my son in my arms. I have never questioned God's Sovereignty in our adoption journey. I know that Hudson is our chosen gift from God! My heart is just so sad for Juvenson. I do question how people can behave the way they have in regards to our Haitian orphanage/facilitator. There has been such wickedness that I have never witnessed before. It is disgusting and beyond belief. I know time heals the wounds, but sometimes things happen that bring it all back up again. I guess this weekend was one of those times.

Even with the memories, I still had a fabulous time together with our children. It was wonderful! They are such a delight to be with. I love, love, love each of them and I love that I am in all of this with Matt. He's so awesome!

Lord, meet the every need of the children in the orphanage in Haiti. Draw them to your heart. Surround them with your presence. Place all that is good and right on the hearts of those in charge. Place compassion and gentleness on their hearts for each of the children under their care. Oh God, release these children into Christian homes. May they have the hope of Jesus Christ in their lives. Rain down your mercies on this place. Heal their wounds, bind their broken hearts, provide food and water for their bodies. Oh God, hold them tightly. I know you love them more than I ever could...and I thank you for that.