Ponderings of my heart...

I want to share some of the things that have been upon my heart lately. My heart has been going through a transformation, and it is a good thing. One of the things that has inspirational to me is the book Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. It seems each day the writings have a profound impact upon what my heart is "feeling".

Today's entry is this...

I can be sure that part of God's promised blessing to me is delay and suffering. God is going to test me with delays, and with the delays will come suffering. Yet through it all God's promise stands. I have His new covenant in Christ, and His sacred promise of every smaller blessing that I need. The delays and the suffering are actually part of the promised blessings, so may I praise Him for them today. May I "be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)

Unanswered yet the prayer your lips have pleaded
In agony of heart these many years?
Does faith begin to fail? Is hope departing?
And think you all in vain your falling tears?
Say not the Father has not heard your prayer;
You will have your desire sometime, somewhere.

Unanswered yet? No, do not say ungranted;
Perhaps your work is not yet wholly done.
The work began when first your prayer was uttered,
And God will finish what He has begun.
If you will keep the incense burning there,
His glory you will see sometime, somewhere.

Unanswered yet? Faith cannot be unanswered,
Its feet are firmly planted on the Rock;
Amid the wildest storms it stands undaunted,
Nor shakes before the loudest thunder shock.
It know Omnipotence has heard it prayer,
And cries, "It will be done"--sometime, somewhere.
Ophelia G. Browning

This struck my heart so hard this morning. My faith is not failing. Our only desire is to obey the Lord on this journey. If that means that He completely closes the door on adoption to us then we will accept that as His will. We do not believe that He will do that, but our utmost desire is for His will to be done. Now although my faith is strong. My hope has been departing. I found myself the other day saying to a friend, "If we get a baby..." She turned to me and said, "Not if you get a baby, when you get your baby...your baby is coming." I realized that I was losing hope. I think with each situation that doesn't work out it chips away at my hope. What amazing lines in this poem that say...FAITH CANNOT BE UNANSWERED! IT KNOWS OMNIPOTENCE HAS HEARD ITS PRAYER, AND CRIES, "IT WILL BE DONE"--SOMETIME, SOMEWHERE. That is what I believe and how I feel, but I was allowing myself to loose hope.

Here is another portion of this book...
Difficulty is actually the atmosphere surrounding a miracle, or a miracle in its initial stage. Yet if it is to be a great miracle, the surrounding condition will be not simply a difficulty but an utter impossibility. And it is the clinging hand of His child that makes a desperate situation a delight to God.

Oh how I feel sometimes that this is a utter impossibility. Will a b-mom actually want to place her baby in our family when we already have four children? Where will we get all of the money to afford the adoption? Will I be able to handle a newborn and home school the children? That is when I grab His hand and cling to it even tighter. He knows my desperate thoughts...He knows my fears. He also knows exactly how He is going to answer everyone of my questions. All I have to do is keep on pressing on with faith in Him. I don't need to solve the problems. I need to cling to Him, because He is going to do all of this according to His perfect will. Oh that my desperation will turn into a delight to God.

Allow me to share one more portion of this book that has encouraged the depths of my heart...

Mark 9:23 says "Everything is possible for him who believes."


The "everything" mentioned here does not always come simply by asking, because God is always seeking to teach you the way of faith. Your training for a life of faith requires many areas of learning, including the trial of faith, the discipline of faith, the patience of faith, and the courage of faith. Often you will pass through many stages before you finally realize the result of faith--namely victory of faith.

Genuine moral fiber is developed by enduring the discipline of faith. When you have made your request to God, and the answer still has not come, what are you to do? Keep on believing His Word! Never be swayed from it by what you may see or feel. Then as you stand firm, your power and experience is being developed, strengthened, and deepened. When you remain unswayed from your stance of faith, even in view of supposed contradictions to God's Word, you grow stronger on every front.

God will often purposely delay in giving you His answer, and in fact the delay is just as much an answer to your prayer as is the fulfillment when it comes. No amount of persecution will try you as much as experiences like these--ones in which you are required to wait on God. Once He has spoken His promise to work, it is truly hard to wait as you see the day go by with no fulfillment. Yet it is this discipline of faith that will bring you into a knowledge of God that would otherwise be impossible.

I know this is a really long entry, but I have felt pressed by the Lord to share what He has been doing in my heart. He is using the words in this book to bring incredible renewed hope. I can not be swayed by what I feel. I can not lose hope. He is gently reminding me what this journey is about--It is not about us getting a baby...that is the outward appearance of our journey. But to Him this journey is about capturing my heart. About Him walking me through the stages of faith with my hand clinging to His. As He brings me through the stages of faith and produces growth in me, He will bring me to a realization of my faith and the result will be--victory of faith. There is nothing about this journey that I can do on my own. Over and over I need to be reminded that this is all for Him. Praise Jesus that He is a God who transforms our hearts when we least expect it.

Thank you, Jesus, that through this waiting you are producing a deeper faith in me. You are working in the waiting!